


Dirty Night Clowns

by MissSugarPink



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Based on a song, Cussing, Death, Don't Spoil The Death, Doomed Timelines, Mental Breakdown, Mild Gore, POV Second Person, Sadstuck, Sober Gamzee Makara
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-04-14 07:18:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4555662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissSugarPink/pseuds/MissSugarPink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i> Pick me up</i>
  <br/>
  <i> Hose me down </i>
  <br/>
  <i>I'm sorry, boys, about the dirty night clowns.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>Gamzee thinks about all he's done. He thinks about all he might do. His think pan's full, and there's one way to clear it.<br/>Time to kill some motherfucker, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pick Me Up

**Author's Note:**

> This story will contain some heavy topics. I won't say what they are until the chapter they're in to try and keep the story mostly unspoiled. :)

You sigh as you shut your eyes, relaxing against the wall of the vent. You take a deep breath: in, out. In, out. Your heart seems to be going slower than usual; maybe it’s just that you’ve finally calmed down for awhile?

“Heh.” You chuckle bitterly at that, putting your hand on your face, brushing your messy bangs upward. “Not motherfucking likely,” you mutter, your voice wavering slightly. For some reason, the idea is fucking hilarious. You just have to fucking laugh. You start to laugh, your cackling echoing around you in the metal prison you’ve confined yourself to for the time being. You slip a honk or two in without even noticing.

You hear a scream and stop suddenly, your eyes wide. You listen, silently panting. Dave is chatting with Karkat about hearing honking in the vents again. Great. You must've scared him. You scowl and slink deeper into the shaft. You don’t want to hear that motherfucker’s voice.

_Which motherfucker?_

You shut your eyes again. “You know which motherfucking motherfucker.”

_No we don’t. We don’t know. You don’t know. Which motherfucker? Dave? Or Karkat? Or us?_

You hold your head, groaning, shutting your eyes tighter. “Grrh… Shut up...”

_We can’t stay all up in denial of our calling, brother. You even said it yourself. We are the mirthful messiahs; they are both us and also motherfucking US! We must live up to our name._

“Just stop… Just motherfuckin stop…”

_We’re the highest. We’re the last ones. We have to paint the wicked pictures. We need to make our miracles rain down from their veins. The special stardust will sparkle with our murdermirth. We are the ringmaster of the carnival, we are the Highest Blood, the GRAND HIGH-_

“I’M NOT THE GRAND MOTHERFUCKIN HIGHBLOOD,” you screech, trying to block out the voices. Your voice shocks you into silence again and you quickly cover your mouth. You don’t hear any comments this time. Now that’s a real motherfuckin miracle. “... shit,” you whisper, eye twitching. You groan, rubbing your face. “Pull it together, Gamzee…”

You sink further into the darkness, shivering. It’s motherfucking cold up here. Better than down there, though. Better than their stares. No one could warn you about the stares. Hell, no one could warn you about yourself. You just… you can’t handle being around them.

THEM. You sigh, holding your head, thinking about it all. Your friends. Well, friend. Karkat was the only one to really like you much. Vriska thought you were weird, Terezi was starting to flush black… Kanaya was ready to murder you… 

And there was really no one else. The humans were scared of you. The trolls all hated you, maybe even Karkat. The only ones who liked you, even a bit, you…

Sollux... Equius… Nepeta… Eridan… Feferi… Tavros… 

You shake your head. You remember the taste of his motherfuckin blood on your lips. You remember crying; you wanted more but it was so painful to taste it. “NO!” You pause a moment. Then whisper, “thinking about those motherfuckers just makes it all so much fucking worse… especially him.”

But you can’t get the idea out of your motherfucking think pan. You just can’t stop thinking about them. You can’t stop thinking about how all of this started. That motherfucking video that ruined your life, that blasphemy that shat on everything you thought was true...

No. The video didn’t start it all. You know it. You just don’t want to admit it.

You don’t want to admit that you were always like this. You have always been the highest blood. You have always been in denial about your true motherfucking calling. You were always just so fucked up in the think pan because of that poison that you kept it at bay.

But now… Now that the sopor is gone and you’ve flipped your shit...

You need to motherfucking kill some motherfucker, or you’re going to snap.

You rub your head, groaning. “Why won’t this voice stop? Why do I see these motherfuckin miracles all around me now… Why can’t anyone else see the shit I see?” 

“Gamzee?”

“HONK!” You jump back, managing to slam your head against the top of the vent. You rub your head and glance at the open vent.

“... shit.”

Karkat scowls at you worryingly. “Yeah, shit is right.” He crawls into the vent, sniffing lightly from the dust, and sits next to you. “Now, what the fuck does ‘honk’ mean this time you whimsical piece of fucking trash?”

You turn your head away from him, not wanting to look into his questioning eyes. You don’t want to think about your answer, so you think about something else. 

Your mind wanders to the time at the start of your three year journey. You had so much planned - it would’ve been so easy to… do everything you had wanted to do. Everything had been in place, and you and Cal had been doing such a good job with Terezi. But then everything happened at once, and you were suddenly tied up and locked in a fucking cold lock box that everyone else kept calling a refrigerator. 

After that, only a long talk from Karkat convinced Vriska to let you free. Even then, she kept you close by. Now, after nearly 2 years, you had finally managed to escape her every so often. You hid up here, where she didn’t tend to follow. Thank goodness.

But everything you wanted failed anyways. You had failed at asking Terezi out. Your plans to murder Vriska never came to fruition. You just couldn’t do shit anymore.

At least Karkat was here for you. He had really stepped up in his moirallegiance. He spent a lot of time with Dave (who really wouldn’t be too motherfucking bad if he could just under motherfucking stand what he had done to you), but he always managed to find you when you were fucked up.

Which was, you remind yourself, all of the motherfucking time. 

“Well? Gamzee, don’t just be silent, that’s almost worse than your fucking honking.”

“S-Sorry, motherfucker…” You sigh. “Sorry, bro. I’m just sorting some shit out, y’know?”

Karkat shakes his head lightly, frowning. “Gamzee, we’re all going through shit right now! Why is it that you’re the only one tucked away in this dusty fucking vent?” He coughs lightly, scrunching up his nose. He mumbles lightly, “seriously, this place needs dusting, it’s just miles upon miles of dusty death for our eyes..."

You massage your forehead, sighing. Why can’t he just leave well enough alone? Not like he would understand this shit anyways. How could he. “Just gotta be alone, y’know? Like, can’t stay ‘round all those motherfuckers out there…”

“Why the fuck not?! It’s getting really worrisome that you’re always alone up here, Gamzee, and when you ARE with other people, you’re either silent, or start to go on a fucking rampage of clowness.” Karkat crosses his arms, sighing. “Look. I heard you talking earlier. Who were you talking to?”

“Shit.” You hold your head in your hands. How the fuck do you explain it to him? “I guess I was motherfucking talking to the mirthful messiahs?”

“How about you tell me who you were REALLY talking to, you insufferable douchesquatting crotchstain?”

“I’m telling the motherfucking truth, motherfucker.”

“So where are these ‘mirthful messiahs’? Are they fucking air particles or something? ‘Cause I don’t see shit up here.” He gasps, feining surprise. “Or are they the fucking dust? Oh, I had no fucking idea! Should I bow to these almighty dust fuckers that see all those motherfucking miracles through their twinkly stardust eyes? Or should I just choke on them?”

You growl lightly. “Just let it drop, Karkat!”

“I’m not just going to drop it, Gamzee! I’m worried about you! Don’t you understand that?!”

“THEN STOP WORRYING ABOUT ME!” Karkat jumps back, eyes wide with fear. Some part of you wants to stop shouting, right now, just because he’s scared, but the other part wouldn’t let you stop; not now. Not when you were finally mad enough at something to rage. It was your aspect, after all. You have to listen to your calling. 

“G-Gamzee?”

“just stop fucking caring about me so much…” You’re shaking a bit. You shut your eyes tightly, trying to ignore what’s happening. You need to speak, and you have to say it like this right now. “I CAN’T TAKE THIS KARKAT. you all care about me so fucking much, but you’re motherfucking terrified of me… OF WHAT I DID! f-for good reason too...”

“G-Gamzee, just calm dow-”

“I CAN'T, MOTHERFUCKER! i can’t just fucking calm down, brother. DON’T YOU GET THAT BY NOW!?” You feel tears rising to your eyes. Fuck. You didn’t meant to say all of this, but now you have to. The other part wants you to. _Get the thoughts out. It’s too crowded in our think pan._ “t-there’s no motherfucking way for me to get my chill on bro. THERE’S NOTHING IN THIS FUCKING PLACE TO CLEAR MY MOTHERFUCKING PAN, BRO. i’m always all up in my guilt and trying to repay for what i did. BUT THERE’S NO MOTHERFUCKING WAY TO FIX THAT, IS THERE?! so i’ll live with that my entire life, karkat. ALL MY LIFE I’LL HEAR THEM SCREAMING. and now all i can see is their motherfucking blood. THE PICTURES STAIN MY NIGHTS, MOTHERFUCKER!”

“G-GAMZEE,” Karkat screams, putting his hand on your cheek. You stare at him, your eyes wide with horror and pain. You pull him close - he gasps, but relaxes after a few moments as you sob into his shirt. He paps you lightly on the back. “S-Shoosh… There… Everything will be alright.”

“i-i can’t stop thinking about how I killed them. I MOTHERFUCKING MURDERED THEM ALL, KARKAT. someway, somehow, i’m supposed to be the mirthful motherfucking murder messiah. P-PART OF ME…” You sniff, choking lightly as you sob. “P-Part of me wants to KILL you, Karkat,” you mutter, tears streaming down your face, washing away your paint. 

Karkat gently brushes away some of the tears, sighing. “I know, Gamzee.”

You close your eyes.

“I know.”

He gently holds you while you rest against him, taking deep breaths like he taught you to do over these past few months of freedom you’ve had. The voices are gone, for now; you guess the fit helped clear them? Fuck if you knew. You just felt really tired. What you wouldn’t give for a sopor filled recipricoon right about now. 

You look up suddenly, causing Karkat to flinch back. He’s obviously scared of you, but you couldn’t ask him not to be. You’re fucking terrified of yourself sometimes. “H-Hey, bro?”

“Er… yeah, Gamz?”

“Where are you fucking sleeping?”

“Oh…” His eyes widen. “Wait. Gamzee, have you… SLEPT?”

“No, motherfucker.” You hold your head. “I haven’t got my rest on at all since I killed them. M-My think pan’s been overflowing. I can’t find shit anymore and my recipricoon is hiding…” You rub your arm. “Bro, maybe I can stay in yours?”

Karkat sighs, hanging his head. “I… fuck. Just, come with me.” 

You shake your head, but stand as best you can in the vent. “Alright, punchline blooded motherfucker.” Karkat stands. “And uh… thanks for calming me down. Again.”

“I’m your best friend, Gamzee.” Karkat smiles softly, one of the rare smiles from him. “Remember? You infected me with that fucking troll disease called ‘Friendship’.” You smile softly as you remember. “Now come on. I think I know where to find your recipricoon.”

You follow him out of the vents. Dave is nearby, chatting with Terezi; both of them watch you carefully. You keep your gaze down, following Karkat closely. If you stay calm, they’ll just leave you alone. You don’t want to get into a fight right now. You just want to fucking rest.

You think as you walk. Heh. Your motherfucking think pan is always overflowing, ain’t it? You would smile, but now’s not the best time. You just go into a sort of walking daze, focused on following. You sigh silently. This is what it comes to, now.

Karkat really picked you up. You find yourself surprised by that, somehow. For some reason, you feel like he should’ve dropped this insane moirallegiance. This bro-ship. You were clearly insane enough that any sane troll would have. 

Maybe he’s just insane too.

That would strangely make you feel better.

As you walk, you ignore the images you pass by with as much concentration as you can manage. Brown beasts walk past you, staring at you with hearts in their eyes. The deepest purple is sliding down the walls, forming symbols that spell out names and make the most beautiful pictures. The floor all stares up back at you, just like it always does, but now it’s glaring at you instead of smiling. Everything is focused on you, but now it’s out of anger. Sadness. Guilt.

You shut your eyes and keep walking. 

You hate the pictures. You used to find them so funny. But now, all they remind you of is how fucked up you are. Nobody else can see them, so what the fuck’s wrong with you? Why do you see such weird things? And why do they have to be so downright scary sometimes?

You don’t know how long the journey takes. You’re oddly quiet. Karkat frowns, but you just shrug. Not in the mood for conversation at the moment.

But as you get into your room, your eyes widen. “Oh my...”

Karkat moves aside. “Knew it was around here somewhere. If you go down that beach, you’ll get to Vriska’s planet; if you go through the door over there, you’ll probably wander into Terezi’s forest eventually.” He sighs, shaking his head. “Fuck. I’ve spent so long in this miserable crotchblistering bucket of steaming ass-shit that smothers the world in it’s terrible stench that I've memorized the maze of dream slurries it's created. This sweep just will not fucking pass..."

You look into your room, hardly hearing Karkat as he continues to use his word smithery to create stunning new expletives. You're just too in shock to comprehend his fake rage right now.

Your horns. Your faygo. Your _slime_. With a truly mirthful honk, you dash past Karkat, only to trip on a fallen club and land face first in a pile of horny noisemakers. 

Karkat screams like a little wriggler as every horn in the pile honks. You scream too before cackling. "Oh, this is the motherfucking SHIT, bro! My head feels all up in the clouds cause of this miracle." You turn your head slightly to look at your recipricoon. It's just sitting there, waiting for you. "This is... Thank you, Karkat."

"Yeah. Honestly, it wasn't all th- GAH, GAMZEE!" Karkat quickly spins, his face as red as your ‘red pop’ flavored wicked elixir. You don't give a shit as you start to strip down. "G-Gamzee, I'm sill in here you nookwhiffing fuckwad!"

"I know. But my rest is calling me, brother. It's calling me louder than a motherfucking honk choir. I gotta get all up in my sopor, y'know?”

Karkat glanced back at you, only to scream again and cover his eyes and you proceed to get fully naked. "NOPE. HAVE FUN SOAKING IN YOUR SLIME SLURRY WITH YOUR BULGE AND YOUR CLOWN FETISH TOYS. IM ABSCONDING FROM THIS ORGY OF JUGGALO SHIT YOU LACKADASICAL SHIT TRUMPET."

You chuckle. "Man, are you sure you don't wanna join me? There's room enough in there if we snuggle up real close. Heh, I’ll even give you a horn to cuddle."

Karkat screams one more time before doing a spectacular mad dash for the nearest exit. You laugh as he goes, smiling a real smile for what feels like the first time in sweeps. "Heh. Best motherfucking moirail."

You turn and walk over to your recipricoon. With that same, half dazed bliss you've been in since you walked into the room, you slowly step in.

As you sink into the slurry, your mind finally seems to shut down. Your room looks great and comfortable and your eyes just won't stay open. You’re fairly certain you’re drooling a bit. You look down a bit; the sopor looks terribly inviting. Just a bit couldn’t hurt… You half mindedly lick up a bit of slime. 

Immediately, you spit it out, coughing. “HONK! UGH!” You sputter a bit, trying to get the taste off your tongue. You've apparently lost the taste for it that you once had. "Bluh... Fuck, man..." You shrug it off, though. No need crying over lost tastebuds. In fact, there's no sense crying anymore.

Not while you're in here.

With a smile, you doze off. You don't dream. The wicked pictures don't smile at you, at least for tonight. You, the bard of rage, have finally calmed down for the time being.

But it won’t last long.


	2. Hose Me Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Too many leaves to pick up this year. Gamzee can't take the pressure of such an important task. Maybe Vriska is right?

“Ooooooooh GAMZEE!~”

You start awake, looking through the gap in your recipricoon. Everything’s a bit blurry. You yawn. “Where’s the motherfucking alarm?”

“GET YOUR FAT ASS OUT OF THERE AND HELP ME.”

You groan, sighing. “Alright, just gimmie a sec.” You slowly make your way out of the slime, standing on the towel prepared on the floor. You glance at the person waiting. “Lemmie jus’ towel off.”

Vriska blushes lightly before cackling. “Gamzee, are you NAKED?”

“Stripped to the bulge,” you mutter, grabbing your drying towel from off the side. “It’s motherfucking comfy, man.”

Vriska snorts, smirking. “Whatever. You’re so peculiar, Gamzee. I would _almost_ think of you fondly, if you hadn’t killed our friends.” She laughs. “Not that I blame you, though. One can only take so much admiration from a source like Equius before totally snapping!”

You shut your eyes tightly and start to dry off. So it’s this shit again. Shoulda known. Vriska never stops talking about it. You get the feeling that she actually really does hate you. It would almost be worth a kismessitude, if you weren’t so fucking terrified of her.

She turns around, shrugging. “Anyways, get dressed and meet me in Terezi’s forest. I’ve got a job for you.” She chuckles. “And don’t leave me waiting, Gamzee! You know I can get in that head of yours.” She walks out, giggling. You sigh and look at the slime staining your towel. You wish you could eat it and feel better, but you can’t stand the taste anymore.

You just start to get dressed, thinking about what the motherfuck Vriska wants this time. It’s going to be some meaningless task, as always. She always makes you do that sort of thing. You guess it’s to keep you busy? Maybe she thinks that’ll keep you from going insane. Who the fuck knows. All you know is that it's annoying.

You glance in your nearby mirror. The scars on your face still look purple with your blood, though they've healed up a bit by now. You trace the claw marks with your fingers, sighing. You'll have those forever. A permanent mark of what you did.

You grab your paint and start putting it on. It'll hide the scars as best it can.

"Gamzee! Hurry up, I'm getting tired of waiting!" 

You groan, sighing. "I'll be out in a motherfucking second. Just lemmie get my clown on." You put your makeup on and smile. No more scars.

"MAKARA!"

You growl and head out the door that Karkat pointed out yesterday. You keep going and the world quickly shifts to a blue and purple forest. You look around, entranced by all of the colors. It's beautiful. The pictures are dancing around you, the beasts you always saw slinking through the trees. They all look so happy at the moment.

"There you are! Took you long enough." Vriska chuckled, leaning against the trunk of a large treehouse; that must be Terezi's house. You walk over, keeping your mouth shut; she doesn't really like when you talk back, and you're not about to purposely make her pissed off. "Alright. Ready for your incredibly important job, Gamzee?"

You shrug in response. "Sure."

She gestures to the ground. "See all these fallen leaves?" You nod; they're sort of everywhere. "I want you to pick them all up." You raise an eyebrow. She just smirks at you, crossing her arms over her chest. "Is there a problem?"

You sigh, hanging your head. "No. I'll get right on it, spider-bro." You squat down and start picking up some leaves. 

"Good! Now, I have important things to discuss with Terezi and Karkat. I won't be back for quite some time. Leadership talks and such, you know."

You roll your eyes, nodding. She's always so motherfucking boastful about the dumbest shit. It's obvious she's trying to bait you into being angry. _Just keep calm, Gamzee. Don't let her get her footing._

"Do you want to know what we're going to talk about, Gamzee? I mean, you're such an important part of our team! You should really know about this sort of thing!"

"Sure thing, Vris," you mutter. "Do what you want."

She taps her chin thoughtfully, grinning. "I'm going to put all those dead bodies to use. I think they'll make _wonderful sprites_ , don't you?"

You drop the leaves you were holding. "... What?"

"Well, I can't just let them sit there and rot! Not like YOU did. I'm really much kinder, giving them life again. Although, I won't be able to make them all sprites. I wonder who I should leave out..."

Your eyes are wide. They're coming back? She's... bringing them back? The beasts around you stop and look at you, their eyes accusing you. Bees buzz around your head angrily, bright yellow ones that drip blood from their stingers. The beasts stalk closer. You gulp, taking a deep breath. It doesn't help.

"I suppose I could bring back Nepeta... Of course, Eridan is always useable." She smirks. "I think I'll _have_ to being back Tavros." Your heart seems to stop. Tavbro? She’s… "He was SO easy to control, I'll probably be able to control him as a sprite too. How pathetic, am I right?" She laughs as you start to stand again, your fists clenched tight. "I mean, _really_ , he could've tried _so_ much harder to be stronger. It's such a shame that his rust blood held him b-"

She catches your fist as you try to punch her. You growl, your eyes burning with rage. The world around you seems to shrink. It's hard to breathe. All you want to do is murder her brutally. She's the one that killed him... She's the one who should be under your control for the shit she's done, not the other way around. This pathetic motherfucking cerulean - blooded spider bitch should be put in her motherfucking place!

But you're too scared of her to stop her, aren't you?

"Tsk," she mutters, that shit eating grin still plastered on her face. "I expected better from you, Makara. You're obviously still unstable." She sighs sarcastically, pushing you away. You stumble lightly and glare at her. "I suppose I'll just have to tell Karkat about this." 

You shut your eyes tightly. "Just... Let me start cleaning up and stay out of my way, motherfucker.”

"Whatever you wish, Grand High Custodian," she says with a giggle and a bow. "See you around!" Without another word, she walks off.

You stare at the leaves around you, barely able to contain your anger. You take deep breaths, just like Karkat taught you to, but they don't help much. You're shaking a bit and can't stop. 

The beasts all around you start to come closer. Cats perch on branches above, hissing acid at you. Horses prance and stampede around you. You hold your head and sink down to your knees. You’re sitting in a puddle of rainbow colored blood. It’s so beautiful, but it makes you feel sick when you look at it. It’s disgusting. 

You want to taste it.

Shaking your head, you reach into the puddle, shivering from the way the blood feels on your hand. You pull out a dripping leaf. It’s smiling at you. You gulp and continue to pull more leaves out of the slurry, shaking. It’s cold. Why is the blood so cold? Shouldn’t blood be warm?

You hear laughing around you. You look up to see clowns with mismatched horns grinning at you. Long horns that look like bulls. Broken horns. The cats all up and hiss at you and try to scratch you from the trees. You feel blood dripping from your scars. You reach up a hand and feel it there; you’re bleeding. When did you start bleeding? Why did they open up again?

You look to your side, seeing a pretty sturdy tree there. Your eyes narrow. There's a bright blue spider hanging from the branches. It’s laughing at you too. “what… are you motherfucking laughing at?”

It keeps laughing, making an intricate web as it does. “WHY ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING LAUGHING AT ME, MOTHERFUCKER?!” You stand, your feet sinking down into the blood pooling around you. “why don’t you just shut the motherfuck up?”

The spider grins, it’s eyes shining with malice. It opens it’s mouth and you can hear it all; Equius’ strangled gasps; Nepeta’s howl as she jumped at you; you can even hear Tavros’ stunned gasp as he was impaled on his own lance. “I SAID SHUT THE MOTHERFUCK UP MOTHERFUCKER!” 

The spider bitch doesn’t stop. It just keeps laughing and screaming. You just want it to end. “fine… IF YOU WON’T JUST SHUT THE MOTHERFUCK UP… then i’ll make you shut up…” With a grin, you raise your fist. “I’LL MAKE YOU PAY, MOTHERFUCKER!” You charge forward, and the beasts all laugh with you as you scream. 

*~*~*~

Karkat looked around the vast amount of trees, sighing. "Damn it, Vriska, why do you have to keep doing this shit? He's already fucked up enough without you helping out." 

He stopped, putting his arms to his sides. "Fuck. Where did she lead him? He's going to get lost in this undulating waste of dream space."

"WHY THE MOTHERFUCK WON’T YOU DIE?!"

Karkat froze. "... No... Oh no, god no, tell me he didn't snap." He heard another roar of rage before running the direction of the scream. "GAMZEE?!"

As he got closer, Karkat heard everything. "it's all your motherfucking fault. ITS BECAUSE OF YOU ALL OF THEM ARE DEAD. if you hadn't whispered through those pictures all my life, IF YOU HADN'T SHOWN ME ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING MIRACLES IN THE WORLD, they might still be alive. I MIGHT NOT HAVE KILLED THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS."

"G-gamzee, calm down," Karkat cried out, terrified for whoever he was talking to. "I'm almost there!"

"i wish i had never seen that video. I WISH I HAD NEVER MOTHERFUCKING UNDERSTOOD OUR CALLING. i wish I had just killed us when i had the chance. I WISH..." 

Karkat stopped as he reached the clearing where Gamzee stood, his friend's words echoing in his mind. "... G... Gamzee?..."

 

You hang your head, tears rolling down your face as your blood smeared against the tree trunk in front of you. "i wish the king had killed me before I did all that shit. Then you'd all still be alive..." You collapse, just staring at the indigo blood staining your hands.

Karkat shakes as he walks up to you, taking in the tree. Blood stains it where you punched it full force. At some point, you started drawing, having totally lost your mind. There was a spiders web drawn in your blood. In the middle of it was simply written 'HoNk }:o('. “G…” Karkat doesn’t get your name out. He falls next to you, hugging you tightly. 

You shiver at the touch. Cold. Like the blood.

You look at your hands. Blood is dripping from your knuckles. You think you broke them. For some reason, you don’t feel any pain. Maybe you went numb to it. Who the fuck knows.

Karkat gulps, making you look him in the eyes. He’s crying. You feel… emotionless. Wiped. The beasts are asleep. You’re too tired for this shit. “We… we need to get you help, Gamzee.”

“Leave me the motherfuck alone, Karkat.”

“NO!” You flinch lightly as he yells louder than he normally does. “You are falling off the deepest motherfucking deep end. It’s so deep and dark, not even Kanaya would be able to light it all up with her fucking rainbow drinker powers. We need to get you serious help before you end up hurting yourself even worse, or-”

“Or hurting someone else?” You push him away, standing. You feel dizzy - probably from blood loss, or else the side effects of your little rage fit. He frowns, watching you sway. “I don’t want your motherfucking help, Karkat…” You sigh, walking past him. “I don’t deserve your motherfucking help.”

“Too bad, you pungent footfucking pain in the waste chute. I’m taking you to Lalonde. Now.”

“What good with she do?”

“She’s good with therapy shit and all that. Come on. We’re GOING.”

You honk as he grabs you hand, pulling away from him. The world seems extra blurry now. The beasts keep appearing and disappearing. “I-I don’t want to go with you, Karkat! I’m fine on my own! Stop using your think pan on me!”

“Gamzee, COME WITH ME.”

“NO, MOTHERFUCKER!” You growl. “I’m motherfucking fiiiiii…” You stop, staring off into space. 

“... Gamzee?”

You stumble back a step. The spider’s right behind Karkat. It’s a lot bigger. Your blood is dripping from its mandibles. “The… spider…”

“Spider?” Karkat looks around. “Gamzee, you don’t look…”

The world feels fuzzy. Time seems to stop. The world is black. The spider is laughing.

So many pictures smile up at you. Pretty rainbows with special glitter. Puppets dancing and horns honking. Your juggling clubs, dripping with the blood of those beneath you. You lick it off, savouring the rainbow before using your tongue to paint the pictures on the walls. 

Tavros, lying dead in the depths. Sollux, flying with bees. Feferi, her own trident sticking through her chest. Eridan is both above and beneath her, his body severed in half. Nepeta and Equius, intertwined by a bow. Last, you draw the biggest picture of all. A giant tree with lots of nooses and lots of dragons and lots of rolling heads. 

You grin, unseeing, as you put your finger through the biggest of the nooses, tugging it towards you. Which motherfucker is next?

_Which motherfucker do you mean?_

“you know which motherfucker,” you mutter.

_Which motherfucker?_

You look in the mirror, seeing Karkat and Vriska and Terezi and Dave and You and HIM, all in one. “THIS MOTHERFUCKER,” you all say at once, your mouths bleeding with the miracles of the hemospectrum. Blood drips from your colorless eyes and you raise your fist. The club comes down, shattering the mirror. Behind it is the noose. Behind that is him. 

The Mirthful Messiah.

With a scream, you wake.

You’re surrounded by people. Trolls and humans alike. Your eyes widen: did you... pass out?

You gulp, realizing that now you’re stuck here. With them. And you have to talk to them.

Rose sits in front of you, a notebook in her hand. “Let’s start at the beginning, then.”


	3. Things That We Make

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gamzee's fate is decided. I don't think he intended for Rose to be hurt in the process. Such a shame for the poor Seer. The Thief had it coming, though.

"Rose, do you even realize just how bad an idea this is?" Dave crosses his arms, frowning. "Like, on a scale of one to worst, this is a nuclear bomb in the middle of New York."

Rose sighs, shaking her head. "We've been over this, Dave. Gamzee might have a serious problem. While I may not be particularly certified to diagnose a mental illness, I'm certainly the most adapt with psychological analysis. Unless you would rather have Gamzee running around having mental breakdowns on a regular basis?"

You look around, still confused; everyone is staring at you. It’s making you uneasy. You try not to find their eyes with no such luck.

Terezi’s avoiding your gaze. That’s probably because you tried to hit on her. She shouldn’t be concerned, though - especially with Vriska standing right by her side, glaring daggers straight at you. You squirm under her watchful eyes, unable to look into them for long.

Your eyes go to Kanaya and Karkat. Kanaya looks as she always does to you; angry. She hates you so much, you’d almost go to her for kismesitude. Karkat’s the only one stopping you. You haven’t ever mentioned it to him, but you know he would react badly. Kanaya and he are really close now. You gulp as you see the concern in his face. He’s terrified; for once, not of you, but for you.

You look around. No pictures whisper to you right now; in fact, everything seems clear. Why is there this sudden break? Is it because you just had a full blown episode? You shudder as you remember everything. The spider, the blood, the nightmare.

“Are you alright, Gamzee?”

You jump as Rose speaks and look at her. Those cold, calculating eyes really fit the seer. You gulp again and lick your lips. “J-Just a bit cold, motherfucker.”

Rose glances at Karkat. “Could you grab a blanket?” He nods and quickly walks away. You watch him go, cursing to yourself. You don’t want him to leave. You don’t want him to leave you here alone with all of them. But still he goes; Rose turns back to you. “Now…”

“Man,” you start off, “whatever the motherfuck it is you wanna say to me, just don’t. I don’t need any motherfuckin help from you all.”

“Like HELL you don’t,” Dave says, frowning. "Dude, we saw you and Karkat when he dragged your sorry ass back up here."

"I believe Dave is correct," Kanaya says, moving to stand next to Rose. "Karkat looked extremely shaken when he returned, not to mention how... bloody you were." 

You look down at your hand, finally noticing the dull ache of your knuckles. Both hands were bandaged up, stained purple from your blood. Looking over yourself, you see that your shirt is still stained in your blood and tears; no one else's blood is there. Just yours. 

"Now, Gamzee, I want you to tell me what happened." Rose sits a bit taller. "We need to know, for everyone's safety."

You look at your knees. Should you answer her? How would she ever understand, though? How would she be able to understand all the wicked pictures? "I uh... don't really wanna motherfuckin' talk ab-"

"I'm don't think you have that luxury, _Highblood_." Vriska turns to Kanaya, scowling. "I don't see why we're even bothering with this, whatever this is. It's obvious he's insane."

"Nevertheless," Kanaya interjected, frowning, "it is important to hear Gamzee's side in all of this."

"His _side_? His side in this is that he's totally insane! He'd kill us all if he had the chance. I say we lock him back up again."

"Come on, Vris, you know that won't work." Dave adjusted his shades, gesturing to Gamzee. "He'd probably just go more crazy when he's locked up, not to mention how angry Karkat would get. Locking him up won't do shit."

You sigh, just staring at your hands. They're haggling about your fate, right in front of you. Part of you is angry about that, but the other half just wants to go sit in a vent somewhere and relax. Get away from it all.

_It's easy to get away from everyone if they're dead._

You shut your eyes tightly, forcing yourself not to look behind you. It feels like someone's breathing on your neck. _It's just another picture. It's just another picture._

"Here, Gamzee." You look up and take the blanket Karkat offers, trying to ignore how your hands are shaking. You smile softly, wrapping it around yourself tightly. Karkat smiles back quickly.

"I'd get away from him before he kills you, Karkat."

Karkat growls, spinning around. "Look, Vriska, your constant theories of how he's gonna kill someone are really starting to grate on me. Keep your verbal waste chute permanently shut and choke on your own communicable shit."

Vriska's eyes narrowed. "Theories? Did you just forget that he killed Equius? Nepeta?"

"No. I didn't. But I didn't forget that you killed Tavros too. Should we just lock you up too?"

"I did that because he was weak! He tried to stop me from saving all of our lives."

You shut your eyes again, sinking into your blanket. You wish they would all shut up.

Especially Vriska.

Your eyes shoot open as you feel a hand on your cheek; Terezi's taken off her glasses and is staring right at you. Your eyes narrow as she watches you.

_She's such easy prey. So insecure. So easy to fuck with._

You avert your eyes, blushing a tiny bit. She clicks her tongue and shakes her head. "I'm not sensing anything." Sensing? 

Rose nods. "Well, it was worth a shot, Terezi." She stands, setting her notebook down. Terezi walks back towards Vriska as Rose moves in front of you. Her eyes unnerve you more than Vriska's. She smiles. "As I was going to say, there's no reason for you to talk about it, Gamzee."

Your eyes widen as she puts her hand on your head, right above your forehead. She shuts her eyes; only one thought passes through your mind as she does. _Shit. She’s a seer._

Your mind feels fuzzy. You remember so much, suddenly. How did you ever forget? You remember baking pies as a little wriggler. Watching your lusus swimming away from the shore. The day you all started the game.

You see Rose for an instant. It’s so bright in some of these memories. You tense up a bit as you see her. _She shouldn’t see these. These are mine._ But the thought goes away as you see the pretty dancing pictures again. They’ve always been there. You smile and pat one on the head, a little sea goat to keep you company. Just like your absent lusus. You needed some company, after all.

The battle with the king flashes into existence. You remember it all, all the wicked pictures that were really there. You finally understood, for the briefest of instances, what being the Bard of Rage meant. You roared. They were screaming, but it just made it feel so much better. The wicked pictures couldn't handle you. You killed them all; You even hit the king. The pictures weren’t wicked anymore; You were in control.

That video. Fuck, that video. The pictures that came; Rose was in them now too. She looks so scared. You shake your head; you shook it? The past and present were getting you all confused. 

_Then stop thinking about it._ You grin, looking at the picture that spoke. A bull. "heh... NICE TO SEE YOU, BRO." You put your hand on his snout. "nice to motherfucking see you." You laugh, smearing the bull across the floor in a stain of brown. No more bull now. The bull was dead, now.

You blink and the scene changes. You’re sitting in the dark. You sigh. He stares back at you. "you didn't last at all long, did you," you whisper. You don't really want to wake him. But, you also sort of do. You have some things to say to him. You pick him up, staring into his eyes. "I DON'T BLAME YOU. vriska's a hard motherfucker to face."

You caress his cheek, sighing contently as you feel his softness. "YOU'LL KEEP PRETTY WELL... and no body to get in the motherfuckin way of this." You smile and kiss his lips, savoring the taste of the chocolate blood. It tastes bitter, but delicious all the same. Tavros had always been delicious. “I COULD JUST EAT YOU UP… do you want me to play with you, tavbro?... WANNA PLAY A GAME?... you be the paint brush, and i’ll be the painter..." You lick the paint off your lips, grinning as the brown stains your tongue. You hear something behind you.

You turn swiftly to see the horrified seer taking a step back. You grin and hold up Tavros’s severed head. “WANNA WATCH?”

You turn again and you’re in Terezi’s forest. Your eyes widen. The spider. She’s laughing. All of the pictures are laughing at you. 

You growl. “you… GET THE MOTHERFUCK OUT OF MY MEMORIES. i don’t want to see this anymore…” You walk forward, your entire body tense with rage as you go right through the spider. Rose is watching you, eyes wide. You roar. “THIS ISN’T FOR YOU TO MOTHERFUCKIN’ SEE!” The terror in her eyes goads you on - you lunge.

You and Rose collapse to the ground. She looks more like Terezi now - glaring and snarling at you. You grin: the kismesissitude you’ve always wanted. You pull her to her feet, slamming her against the wall. “welcome to my nightmare, motherfucker… WELCOME TO MY CARNIVAL!” You spin, keeping your hand clenched around her collar. She stares at the scene before you, speechless.

Thousands of nooses. Blood, dripping down the walls onto the floor, mixing together to form the pictures. This was your nightmare. You're reliving it. HE wants you to. With a laugh, you push Terezi (or is she Kanaya? Or Rose?) through the mirror. She gasped as the glass slashes her skin.

You look up at the noose. So inviting. There, HE stands. The ringleader. The Messiah. He welcomes you both with open arms.

Terezi screams. She sounds like Rose, and Kanaya, and Dave, and Karkat, and even Vriska. You laugh, looking at her as you feel the Messiah’s hand on your shoulder. You put your hands on her shoulders, eyes wide with glee. Her terror is wonderful. “now you know how it feels. THIS IS ME. do you like it, motherfucker? DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!”

You scream in her face; she closes her eyes. You raise your fist and punch her as hard as you can, and in a heartbeat she’s on the ground. “pathetic… YOU’RE STRONGER THAN THIS. can’t handle what i handle every day… CAN’T HANDLE THE WICKED IGNORANCE, CAN YOU MOTHERFUCKER?” You grab a nearby noose and pull it down. You grab her and shove her head through the hole, tightening the knot instantly. “and now… IT’S TIME TO FLY, MOTHERFUCKER. fly with me… FLY, PUPA,” you scream, cackling as you take a step to the right. There’s a hole there.

You fall. You laugh. She screams. You scream. HE laughs.

“GAMZEE, SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT, PLEASE!!” 

You gasp, opening your eyes; Karkat’s holding you back against your chair, along with Vriska. Kanaya and Dave are with Rose. She looks paler than normal, which was really saying something considering how pale she usually was. There’s blood on her face and marks around her neck. Kanaya glares at you, but her eyes quickly soften. You’re not sure why.

Panting, you shiver. The spider. The nightmares. _Tavros_. Rose had seen it - been part of it - all. You hold your head, shaking. The blanket fell to the floor. Karkat looks at Vriska, who wordlessly shakes her head. Even she's speechless.

Rose stands with Kanaya’s support. Her eyes don’t look cool and collected; she’s scared. It doesn’t look good on her face. “Gamzee… Why didn’t you tell anybody?”

“tell anybody what, motherfucker,” you say, your voice low as you try to calm myself down. It’s not working.

“T-Those nightmares… The visions?”

“IT’S MY PROBLEM,” you scream, standing. Karkat quickly grabs your shoulder, and with Vriska’s help, pushes you back into your chair. You struggle; you don’t want to be here anymore. “you shouldn’t have seen all that… THOSE WERE MINE AND YOU TOOK THEM.”

“G-Gamzee, I’m sorry… I had no idea it was that bad.”

“of course you didn’t… I SEE THINGS THAT NOBODY ELSE MOTHERFUCKING SEES. i see all the flaws. ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING FLAWS, MOTHERFUCKER.” You hold your head, your eyes staring at the pictures appearing around you, unblinking. Your eyes are watering. So many pictures, so many colors, so much to see, not enough space to see it - why was everything so fast? “there’s all these holes around me - BUT NONE OF THEM ARE THERE - and the holes smile all up back at me - BUT NONE OF THEM ARE SMILING ANYMORE - and i can see all the blood and the pictures and the gods - BUT THE GOD IS ONLY HIM!”

A hand covers your mouth. You stop talking, surprised, only to struggle against it further. “Gamzee… S-Shut… the fuck up.” You freeze. The hand is Karkat’s. 

Karkat looks up at Rose. “What. the everloving fuck. did you see in his head?”

Rose gulps. She looks at you, uncertain for once in her life. You plead with her with your eyes, trying to scream through Karkat’s hand. She shuts her eyes tightly. “... T-The pictures he sees are real to him. They’re all real to him. He’s just trying to stop them from… doing… anything.”

You thrash around in your seat, roaring; you don’t want her to say anymore. Vriska helps Karkat hold you down. Rose licks her lips. “I-I may not be the most appropriate person to declare this, but as we have no real doctors on hand, I think it must come down to this diagnosis. I believe he is a version of our human schizophrenic.”

Dave whistles lightly, looking at you with eyebrows raised. Rose looks at you as well, pity in her eyes. You stop thrashing as much, confused. What did that… mean?

Karkat walks around to your side, taking his hand off your mouth. You don’t make a sound. He puts a hand on your shoulder, but you brush it off with a shrug. He frowns at your and then back at Lalonde. “Schizophrenic?”

“It means he sees and hears things that aren’t there. Hallucinations. The slime he constantly ate as a child apparently kept those thoughts at bay - much like some anti-psychotic medicine we humans have. Once he stopped eating that, his brain took over.”

“So let me see if I can get this straight. Do you mean to tell me that all this time, Gamzee’s been fighting a battle with his MIND? He’s been warring with bullfuckery all his life because his own think pan is overflowing with the shittiest of waste?”

“Yes.” 

Karkat sighs. “Fuck…”

“So how do we fix him,” Vriska asks, crossing her arms, scowling. “As much as I enjoy pandering to his little delusions, I’d really prefer not having him trying to murder us at every opportunity.” You growl, looking at her. Karkat tightens his grip on your shoulder.

Rose sighs. “As far as I know… it’s not curable.”

“Well, isn’t that just perfect?” Vriska groans, pinching the bridge of her nose. “We’ve finally determined that, yes, Gamzee IS certifiably insane, but there’s absolutely no way to cure him. My, what a lovely day on the meteor this is. What next - will it turn out that one of the dead bodies is back to life? I’m sure you’d like that, Gamzee, more trolls you can kill.” She drops her hand, shaking her head.

“shut the fuck up, motherfucker…”

“Watch it be Tavros, just to show me up on the whole ‘coming back from the dead thing’. You’d love that one the most, Gamzee, you’d finally get your turn to kill hi-”

Karkat can’t hold you back this time. Something inside you snaps. That same part of you that fought the king takes over. You don’t remember what happened in that instant, but you remember screaming. You remember your heart pounding with adrenaline and your own roaring reaching your ears. You remember blood. So much blue blood. 

You comprehend bits and pieces of what happens. Vriska, on the ground, defenseless finally. Your own fists, covered in her blood as you try with every part of yourself to kill this bitch. Karkat trying to tear you away from her and failing. You remember that much of it.

But with a lurch, everything seems to stop for an instant; suddenly, you're sitting again. You look around, shocked. Dave is standing, arms crossed. Rose, Kanaya, Terezi and Karkat are all sitting too. Vriska is nowhere to be seen. You look down; your arms are tied to the chair along with your chest. You open your mouth, but it's been gagged with a cloth. No sound now.

Rose looks at Dave, the blood on her face wiped away and her nose bandaged, in a sense. “Dave… You know I’ve warned you about using your God Tier powers.” Of course. That’s what happened. Dave sped up to the future.

“It was either speed up time or watch Vriska get brutally murdered.” Dave sits in his own chair, sipping some apple juice from a box he got from who knows when. “She’s fine, by the way. I bandaged her up as best I could and put her with the mayor.”

You try to rip your arm out of its bonds without any luck. Terezi clears her throat. “So what do we do with him?" she asks, pointing to you.

“Well,” Kanaya says, “while I do not believe Vriska is correct in saying we should 'lock him up', I believe monitoring is in order." She looks at you, frowning. "We don't want him to hurt anyone, including himself."

You try to speak, but nothing comes out of the gag. You growl; can't you even get a say about your own fate? No, you’re not going to just sit here and let this happen. You bite down hard, grinding your fangs. 

Karkat sighs. “We can’t just decide on that. Come on.” He stands and walks over to you. Dave stops him, however. “Ugh, come on you nookwiff, let me go to him.”

“No way, man. I just spent a hell of a lot of time trying to get that jackass into that chair.”

“Dave, I don’t give a flying fuck about what you did. I just want to know what our insane juggalo has to say on the matter.”

You grimace as you spit out the rest of the cloth left in your mouth. Leave it to Dave to forget about your fangs. You cough, getting their attention. “I ain’t gonna kill no motherfuckers,” you say, your voice wavering slightly. You’ve calmed down a bit, but you can still feel your heart beating against your ribs. 

Terezi crosses her arms. “Gamzee, can we really trust you on that? We’ve already determined that you’re not totally mentally there.”

"I swear, I ain't gonna motherfuckin' flip on y'all. I don't wanna be locked down none. Just..." You shut your eyes, sighing. "I just wanna be like I was... not a thing botherin' me... I want to be normal. Not some... motherfuckin' psycho you guys all got up in a cage."

There's a bit of silence after what you've said. You gulp, not looking at anyone. Finally, Karkat speaks. "I'm not about to lock up my friend." 

You look back at him. He crosses his arms, scowling. "With Vriska out of commission for the time being, it's up to me to be leader. So, my leadery command is this: we let Gamzee go."

"Karkat, you're just letting your moirallegance get in the way!"

Karkat growled. "I'm not done yet. As I was going to say before you so rudely interrupted, Terezi, I think we _should_ monitor him. One person should be near Gamzee at all times. Not riding his bulge or anything, just... there for him."

You smile. "That sounds motherfuckin' nice."

Kanaya studies your face, frowning lightly. "So we will all watch Gamzee and... then do what?"

"We'll try and keep him calm. If he flips, we'll be there to take his mind down to more normal levels." Karkat glances at you. "You haven't been eating any sopor, have you?"

You shake your head. "Can't stand the motherfuckin' taste of it anymore, invertibrother."

Karkat sighs. "Maybe we can make it taste better somehow... Fuck if I know. We'll figure out some sort of drugs for you."

Dave coughs, clearing his throat. "Are we scheduling this shit, then? Cause if we are, I think we should take Vriska's name off the 'watch the clown hour' attendance sheet."

"That does make sense," Rose chimes in. "After all, she'll be recovering. Not to mention, she would most likely do more harm to Gamzee's mental state than good." 

Karkat nods. "Yeah, wasn't really planning on inviting that bitch to the juggalo parties." 

You start to space out as they plan. You at least got to say something. You got to control your fate. You got to be in control of _something._ Now, while you may be monitored, the others around you still know. The pictures are real - to you, at least. With a sigh, you doze of in your chair.

When you wake up, you're in your recipricoon. You shake your head, disoriented. How did you...

You glance over to the side of the room. Karkat's fast asleep in one of the few chairs you own. You smile and yawn. Time for rest. You made enough trouble today.

You do dream tonight. You dream of beautiful, tall blue trees. You sit on a branch and talk to a little flying bull. It's a good dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UUUGH This chapter took me forever! Accursed writers block... But, still, fairly long chapter. 8 pages!~


	4. Too Far Under The Brush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It just keeps getting worse. Even with people keeping watch, it just doesn't help - especially since the sopor isn't working.

You groan, rubbing your eyes softly. Dave glances at you. “What’s up? Couldn't sleep well?”

“Nah, motherfucker… Slept pretty good, actually. Just not feelin’ the sleep anymore.” You reach out and grab your faygo, sipping it. It’ll help y’wake up. For some reason, your faygo doesn’t taste all that good. Not like usual. Maybe it’s just not a good faygo.

Dave nods, returning his attention to his husktop. Laptop? Whatever humans called it. He was workin’ on some sort of musical miracle. You couldn’t give a shit. 

It’s been a few days since your ‘friends’ all figured out you were motherfuckin’ bent all up in your thinkpan. They’ve been watching you in lil’ shifts through the day - everyone but Vriska. At first she had seemed mildly offended to not be included in ‘insane clown watching’, but later admitted that she was probably too busy with all of her incredibly important work to look after you. 

Meanwhile, your motherfuckin miracles are gettin worse.

You blink as a little flyin bull (that thing all up and follows you everywhere) nudges your shoulder. You take a deep breath and force yourself not to acknowledge it. If you did, Dave would start asking ‘bout all your goddamn sights and visions and shit, and you don't think you can handle more fucking questions right now. 

That was the other part of it. Everyone kept askin’ questions. You weren’t totally against that, but when they all up and ask so many that your thinkpan hurts, it makes everything hurt. Everyone wanted to know how your thinkpan all up and works, they wanted to know what you saw. You weren’t about to worry none with your miracles. 

The bull nudges you again. You can hear a low whine in the air from it. You mumble to it under your breath, urging it to go away. Dave doesn’t seem to notice. That’s the real motherfuckin’ miracle here.

_You seek miracles wherever you go._

You shake your head. You don’t wanna listen today. You sip more faygo.

It doesn’t taste very good.

 

The next person that day is Rose. You don’t like Rose. She meddles more than Kanaya did now. She gets all up in your business with the questions. You answer them not honestly because when she asks stuff like “do you see the people you killed” you don’t wanna say stuff like how you hear furbeasts screeching in pain or feel arrows stabbing your skin. You don’t wanna mention the cold-warm blood all up and dripping itself down your leg and makin’ you feel like you went and stabbed yourself.

That wouldn’t do no one any good.

You fall asleep in the chair she always makes you sit in now. You sleep a lot nowadays. It’s nicer than being awake and seein’ all the animals and hearing shit that you know ain’t there now. The only downsides the nightmares you get when you aren’t all doused in your motherfuckin’ sopor. 

They’re real bad.

You see all sorts of shit in your nightmares now. Flashes of the MIrthful Messiah, but He might just be you and you can’t ever tell the difference anymore. You see puppets on strings and blood dripping down over your eyelids, all up and burning your eyes when you open them. You see nooses the most now. You don’t know why.

When you wake up on Rose’s couch, your neck hurts. You know why. You rub your neck, remembering the Messiah all up and wrapping it up in dripping ropes that all up and melted on your skin. Your body felt like you had twine all up and sewn into it, melted into your blood. 

_It’s a part of you._

Rose looks up from what she’s reading. “Are you alright? You were sleeping for a long while without soporifics.”

You nod, not trusting your voice. You feel shaky after dreams like that.

 

Karkat watches you next. He watches you the most, cause he’s always able to calm you down. You both watch movies. It’s real nice, for once - you relax with him. He brushes your hair. You always forget to do that. He’s a good bro, takin’ care of you like he does. He never seems to mind. 

Dave seems to, though. You wish sometimes that you weren’t so fucked up, just so your bro could hang with his other bro without you getting all up and in their business. But wishing doesn’t do anything in the real world. In your mind, sometimes, but not out here in real life.

_Maybe it’s better in your mind_.

 

You shake yourself awake, opening your eyes. “Huh?”

Kanaya frowns at you. Shit. When’d you get here? Where are you? All you see is brown. Everything is brown and green. “I asked if you are feeling well. You were staring at the wall.”

You look back at the wall. It all up and says your name in real big pretty colors. Your mouth hangs open as you take it in. It’s all so… so pretty.

You reach out a hand and drag your fingers through the paint before sucking on them. They taste good. Like faygo. You shut your eyes and lick the faygo paint off your nails. You open your eyes again and see that it’s not your name anymore. It says RUN. 

“Gamzee?”

You jump, screeching a honk as you realize Kanaya is frowning at you. When’d she get here?...

Wait.

Shit. It’s her turn to watch you, ain’t it? You look at the wall and at your fingers, still shoved in your mouth. “... Oh.”

She frowns sympathetically and slowly takes your wrist, pulling your fingers out of your mouth. “Another vision?”

She asks that like they ever just go on away. “Yep,” you say, not bothering to correct her. Man, now you feel all up and embarrassed. Your fingers don’t even taste all that good, but there you were, suckin’ on them like they were a sopor squish.

_Toxic, poison slush, evaporating, taking it all away-_

Except you don’t like sopor anymore. You can’t stand the taste of it. 

That don’t mean you don’t want it.

 

“How about this?”

You look at the candy hesitantly. It was red, like Karkat’s blood. You don’t wanna eat anything that’s all up and tasting like your Karbro. But if Rose is the one giving it to you…

You trust it even less.

Still, it’s covered in that slime. You used to love that slime. It was YOUR slime. You reach out and grab the twisty candy and take a sharp bite out of it. Your eyes light up. It tasted all up and flavourful and crazy good and-

And then you taste the slime and immediately start choking on it.

Dave smacks you on the back and you spit it out. “Damn it. I really thought Twizzlers would work. Those things are good.” 

You busy yourself with wiping your tongue off. Ugh, your mouth is all up and tingling now with that poison on it. Rose frowns, tossing the rest of the slime covered twisty candy away. “At least we have more. He seemed to like the first bite, before the sopor kicked in.”

You nod softly, but they aren’t paying attention now. How is it that you can be all up and invisible but at the same time, you’re the thing they’re paying the most attention to on this meteor? You don’t get it.

_Your understanding all up and slipped away._

Dave and Rose start talking about more food combos. You stare at the wall. 

It’s not a very interesting wall, but you don’t remember the next few hours either way, so you guess the wall did it’s job.

 

Terezi watches you as you go to sleep. Your sopor covers your body, the green slime slipping all over you. She sniffs and her nose scrunches up. “Goodnight.”

You don’t bother responding. She doesn’t like you much. 

You slip into the slurry further, shutting your eyes. But you ain’t tired. You tell yourself that as you fall asleep.

 

You can hear the horns. The animals make noises all night. You ignore them all day, so they come out at night. You don’t dream, but it doesn’t matter. You can _hear_ it.

_Gamzee?_

 

You open your eyes. What… Who all up and said that?

 

_Gamzee. Come find me!_

 

It sounds like a nice voice… But you know it’s all up and fake. No point in listening to the fake-

 

_Gamzeeee_

 

The voice keeps talkin’. Keeps calling your name. You peek out of your recipricoon. Terezi is all up and passed out on a chair. You know the voice won’t stop till you find it… You just wanna sleep. 

A little hunt wouldn’t be bad, right? You need your sleep. If you can’t sleep cause of the voices, then you might as well get rid of the voices. 

You slip out of your sopor slurry and dry off. You wrap a towel around yourself. A glance at Terezi tells you she’s still asleep. You smile. 

 

The hallways are weird when you’re all alone. The walls all up and drip all over the floor, and the animals all slink close to you since there’s no one to be afraid of now. You pet a furbeast softly. It purrs. Everything is a lot quieter now, which is weird, cause it ain’t never quiet when you’re all up and drowning in the flaws. 

It kinda scares you.

You keep going though, following the voice around. The hallways look different. You don’t know where you’re going. You’re pretty sure that this should be Vriska’s planet, but the sand feels more like water, and the sky looks less like water and more like sand. You can see goats swimming in the sand -- the water, the under you, not the above you. 

This is all real trippy. You kinda wanna just watch it all happen. But you hear the voice call your name again and keep walking.

The sand-water turns into stairs as you walk on it. You’re not sure how high you go on up. You climb your way up those motherfuckers and feel yourself get on higher and higher above the ground. You feel leaves brush up against your skin. So many leaves. Your skin tingles like somethin all up and bit you somewhere and your blood don’t like it.

You blink blood out of your eyes. 

The sky water-sand is bleeding. It drips on all over, staining your body. You blink it out. It burns but it sooths. 

You feel calm.

 

The stairs end and you hear the voice below you in the sand-water. You smile. Just one more step. You look down and see all the pretty little colors and the pretty big colors and they all up and call out to you up high. And you wanna be down low with them.

You step off. Your body rushes through the place between the sand-water and the water-sand and you feel the tingles on your skin grow and grow and it never ends, for some reason. You never reach the paint beneath you. The air all and whistles around you.

It gets loud.

Louder.

You hear the voice. It gets louder too. Your eyes widen. 

Why does it hurt?

 

Why do you hurt? Your ears hurt. You look at your arms and they’re all up and gushing, your purple blood stains your grey skin and you feel pain. Pain.

Pain.

You scream. You choke.

 

You wake up shaking.

 

Time to start another day.

 

_If you survive another one._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to a comment I got the other day, I thought I would give this one another crack. It's definitely not one of my favorites, but I figure I gotta finish these fics at some point, so I should make some progress where progress is due. If you all wanna chat with me, either comment or come stop by [My Tumblr](misssugarpinkshome.tumblr.com). :) Hope you enjoy this chapter!


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